My Battle With Postpartum Anxiety
October 7th, 2023 I will be walking with and sponsoring Climb out of the Darkness Columbia, SC Chapter. Climb out of the Darkness is put on by Postpartum Support International and its goal is to "raise awareness for perinatal mood and anxiety disorders..." which are "...the most common complication of childbearing." This I know all too well...
...In 2017 I was only 23 years old when I gave birth to my firstborn son. I only had one other friend who was pregnant around the same time as me but she did not live close by. She had gone through pregnancy and birth before but this was the first time we were both going through this in the age of heavy social media presence. To complicate matters, my husband was in the army and was set to deploy two weeks after our son was born. So not only was this our first child early into our marriage, but also our first deployment.
Fast forward to after birth the first question out of my doctor's mouth was not "How are you feeling?" "Do you need any resources?" "Do you want to see anyone since you'll be in a difficult situation in two weeks?" no. It was "What do you want to do for birth control?" Ummmmm abstinence? Was mine and my husband's jokey answer in kind of a haha how are you even asking this question right now when you know we're facing a deployment? But no, she was dead serious. Again she asked and again we answered we're pretty sure the abstinence thing will work and yet still she pressed. Meanwhile I'm sitting in the bed, tons of pain, afraid I'll break my child while bathing him or end up shaking him to death since we were all mandated to watch a video on shaken baby syndrome before we could even be discharged from the hospital. Definitely not the question I was expecting or wanting in the moment.
Fast forward again to my first postpartum check up. I was handed a sheet of paper to mark of answers to see if I had depression or not. Scared that they would take my son away from me if I scored as depressed I did my best to make sure I didn't get a score like that. Meanwhile, none of the questions on the questionnaire asked me things like "Do you think your baby will die if you leave him at any point?" "Do you have irrational thoughts about if you leave your baby in the car seat asleep for too long he'll suddenly stop breathing?" or "Do you constantly have anxiety that if you fall asleep while your baby is asleep you won't be able to hear him stop breathing and he'll die?" nope. not a one. And after completing the questionnaire do you want to guess what the first question was? Yup you guessed it! "What do you want to do for birth control?" At this point I was annoyed, caved, and opted for nexplanon just to placate them. Then after a quick exam I was sent on my merry way with an appointment for the implant and nothing to address the growing anxiety-riddled fears in my head.
During those 9 months of deployment I did not thrive I survived. I honestly could not tell you what all happened during that time because my brain blocked it out. All I have are pictures I took to look like I was doing alright on social media when inside I was constantly battling anxious thoughts of my baby will die if I do or don't do x y or z which were all, looking back, completely irrational. During my husband's return I -by the grace of God- found out that postpartum anxiety was a thing and I was suffering from it. Naming it helped me realize how irrational my thought patterns had been but still I did not seek help. I didn't know where to go and I still thought they would take my son away if I admitted to having postpartum anxiety.
Fast forward to my pregnancy with my second son. This time I knew the name of my suffering and that I was susceptible to it. I let my doctor know I had bad postpartum anxiety last pregnancy that was compounded by my husband being deployed, but I reasoned that I would be fine this time because he would be home with me. This time I thought things would be different, I was dead wrong. Again the first question was "What do you want to do for birth control?" I was greeted with the same postpartum depression questionnaire which I tried to answer truthfully but still in the back of my mind thought they would take both of my children away from me if I answered too truthfully so I scored one below the "danger zone." Then I was sent on my merry way with no help and still anxious and having irrational thoughts that were compounded by the arrival of the pandemic.
Fast forward again to now. Both my sons are older and have survived, but I am still suffering from the anxiety that began with my first pregnancy. I thought it would get better but instead it has just morphed into a more complex monster the longer I have ignored addressing it. This is why I jumped at the opportunity to sponsor Climb out of the Darkness Columbia, SC when they contacted me. My whole massage practice centers around using touch to help people process trauma that is being held in the body. Perinatal mood disorders are no different, they cause and leave trauma in our body that we don't process without external help. This cause is not only something I feel drawn to personally, but that it is important for my clients' sake as well. Birthing a child in our current climate is no small feat. Between situations like the pandemic to social media we are inundated with impossible standards and ever changing and evolving fears that target our children and make us more susceptible to perinatal mood disorders. I care deeply for the well-being of birthers in my own practice and have chosen to be a sponsor to also advocate for awareness and deeper understanding of the impact of perinatal mood disorders in other areas of care as well.
If you would like to join me and several others in our walk to Climb out of the Darkness please visit this link to learn more about when and what time the event is happening or visit this link to donate. Also come and visit me at my booth after, see you there!
- Shannon
